Depression is horrible. It is debilitating. it takes away your life. I am normally a happy person and take things with stride but right now I am drowning in a sea of misery. I know lots of people say the same thing about depression but it feels much more than that! I do not want to raise my head off of the pillow. I do not want to shower. I do want to eat, because it is not a stress factor for me but a relief, I don’t want to face people, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sit, sleep, eat and breath. I don’t want to think of things, I don’t want to talk to people, I don’t want to pretend to be happy. I just want to be left alone. The horrible downside to my depression is if I do not work, I do not earn a living. I cannot make myself move today other than to write this. I am hoping if I write this, I will feel my dark cloud move away from my head. I am hoping I will feel better in writing this. I am hoping it will give me strength to move enough to at least take the dogs out to walk so they will not pee or poop in the house. So far it is not happening. So far, I just want to cry. So far I just want to sleep more. So far I just want to be alone.
I know they will go away soon, typically just a day or two I feel like this but I cannot stand to feel this way. I know my life has so much meaning and I have so much to live for but I just want to sleep and be left alone for a little bit. I know it is stress of not having or making enough money, it is from not being able to make sure my family has what they need, it is from the loss of the love of my life, it is from the weight I carry on my body, it is from my son being with his dad for the summer, it is because the dogs poop and pee in the house even if they are walked 5 times a day. I know there are things I can do to get rid of this horrible, horrible feeling but what if I don’t want to right now? What if I want to feel like crap and not go to work? What if just taking a day for me to do nothing, nothing at all but sleep, watch tv, surf the web and read? I do not often do that for myself. When I do have days off it is spent doing things for my family. I make sure the house is picked up, dishes are done, laundry is washed, dried, folded and put away. I drive to Sacramento to take or pick up my son from Sacramento. On the days I do not have to anything my daughter wants to go out and do something but I end up doing all the driving. I do love to spend time with my daughter and I do love to drive but they feel like work too.
I feel like I am rambling but I am hoping to get everything out that I am thinking or feeling. I thank you for reading to my thoughts and feelings.
Should I go to work today? I am really my own boss but sometimes I feel like crap and cannot do what I need to do. I also know that if I did go to work tonight I wouldn’t do very good. I would just drive around without a plan. I might pick up nice friendly people who might brighten up my night but just for a second or two after I see them.
When I am feeling like this my head floats. Am I holding my breath? Is that why it happens? I don’t know. Maybe there is really something wrong with me? I do need to go and talk to someone about this but I cannot afford insurance right now. I know with ObamaCare I should be able too but I am barely making enough money to pay rent and put food on our table. Insurance is a luxury. I did receive insurance earlier this year and started to pay for the first couple of months but I got pneumonia and was off of work for 2 weeks. I went to the emergency room and had to pay them $250 then I received a bill for $300 for the x rays. I was able to pay the emergency room but then there was no way I could pay for the x rays or food, rent, gas (to get back and forth to work) or anything else. I do not spend money I do not have. My daughter (who has college debt and a great paying job) and I live together because between her college debt and my income neither of us can live alone. So we help each other out the best we can. The good thing about my job is I get “paid” almost every day I work. That has been a plus but we are still on a sinking ship. If we could move out of this state to someplace cheaper it might help but I have problems with my son’s father. He would do everything to keep my son and he is only 12. So we have only 6 more years before we can move. If my daughter is able to keep her job that long, they might let her work from home so we can move out of the area. I will have to no longer do what I do but I can find a part time job someplace else. Here I cannot work 40 to 60 hours then get a part time job. I am too tired as it is. I might have been able to do that when I was younger but not now. Not now.
All of this has made me sleepy. I cannot keep my eyes open. Thank you for reading.
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